Burning soul

Hello Friend, Its been too long and every band sings the same sad song!

Sorry its been forever(I’m still alive and going tho).  I’ve just been busy.

SO not a lot to update you on even though I have been busy and haven’t updated in a while…believe it or not nothing super exciting or eventful has happend!

Still going strong eating, not self harming, and staying out of treatment and hospitals YAY =).  I am dropping weight for some reason unknown to me, my Dr, or therapist.  My family is concerened but I have NOT been engaging in any Eating disorder/diet behavior. So I don’t understand but I guess the next move is a nutritionist and if I keep dropping then I have to go to a medical Doctor =/ I’m still in my healthy weight range just at the lowest end of it now which is alarming to my family and outpatient treatment team and me because a little more weight dropped and I’ll be underweight which is no good considering my ED history.

I am also writing a lot!  Working on 2 stories right now.  Working on a new poem as well.

Going to church and church events and with Michelle a ton!  Which is AWESOME! God really spoke in to my life this past Sunday morning =)

Mikie is coming to stay with me.  She’ll be at my house from Wednesday night - Sunday afternoon. It’s gonna be fun.   She’s bringin a few movies she claims I HAVE to see!  I love her dearly.

I am SO blessed by God and EXTREMELY grateful to him!  He’s worked miracles in my life and brought me so far!

~~Bethany M. S.~~

“…One world oughta be more than enough n if it’s not is God lookin in pure disgust? Wonderin what the dealy? What the silly I see when I made each of these in the image of me…”

Not much to say.  Therapy in an hour.  Step-mom coming out tomorrow.  I’m doing pretty well.  Working with God on bein more forgiving of myself & others.

More next week!

—-Bethany M S

Not much time today!!!!!!!!!!

SO…I am doing alright.  Saw my Dr. and my therapist last Thursday n got weighed.  I’ve lost 10Ibs in a month and now Dr. Mannon and Melanie are all concerned and thinking I’ve been lieing to them and have been resricting.  I started bawling and shaking in my session with Mel cuz I was SO frustrated and confused as to how I’ve lost weight when I’ve been eating normal and its like GAAAAAHHHH >=[ !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have NO idea what is goin on, all I know is I REFUSE to go back to ED and being sick…I’ll start seeing a nutritionist again if that is what it takes!!!!! 

God, please help me & give me strength & wisdom.  Amen.

——Bethany M S

“…You Make everything glorious and I am your’s…what does that make me?…”

This I wrote this past Sunday afternoon 2-12-12.  Was inspired by the message at church bout grace =)

“By Grace”

A Poem By: Bethany M. Stewart

When I approach your throne

I should, in shame, have to hide my face

but I do not have to

and THAT is only by GRACE

I live another day I don’t deserve

you see I was on trial for a murder case

But I live despite killing Jesus Christ

and THAT is only by GRACE

The food I eat and this pen I hold

and all my pretty clothes and lace

I am no person to have it all yet I do

and THAT is only by GRACE

I am not half the person worthy to worship you

For what I’ve done, said, and worldly things I chase

But I am allowed to worship and serve you

and THAT is only by GRACE.

It’s an amazing thing

that has come to be

in a dark world, lacking hope

though to for this glory we lack eyes to see

Because the glory of it all is this:

We killed Jesus yet he live and is coming back again

Through the cross he bridged the gap between us and God

So that God may forgive us of all our sin.

That only applies if you accept it

so the decision lies with you

so pray and ask and really mean it

and don’t say sorry alone, turn from the wicked you use to do!

Now what will you do with this gift

that’s worth much more than all the world’s money?

Even if you don’t believe it, doesn’t make it untrue

though this whole thing may sound rather funny.

Truth is I’ve failed and fail a lot

for my heart does not always beat on God’s pace

but when we get what we do not deserve

that is the definition of a gift of God’s GRACE!

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -“

—-Ephesians2:8

~END~

Psalm28:7:”The Lord is my strength&my shield; my heart trusts in him&I am helped. My heart leaps for joy&I will thank n song.”

“…But it’s just as Job has said my redeemer is not dead, faith arises in our souls as we think on things of old like when he healed my broken heart and he’s loved me from the start..”

Not much time for a big update today =) which may or may not be good news to anyone who reads this.

Still doing well.  Eating normally, not self-harming or anything and just letting myself feel things and then letting them pass and praying and praising God.

The other day I struggled for a moment because I had a Dr appointment and she had me get on the scale and she told me I’ve dropped 5 pounds since last I saw her.  The past few weeks I have been eating normal and laying this ED down at the feet of Jesus and walking away and giving it up to him but when I heard I dropped more the temptation nagged at me to pick ED back up because I thought “I could a lot more than 5 pounds when I come back in a month if I just don’t eat and go back to the diet pills and blah blah blah.”

I had to pray REALLY hard to get that thought to go away.

I came across a a scripture passage the other day that really spoke to me!  I was sexually abused by my uncle for about 4 years when I was young and it only stopped because he died.  I carry A LOT of guilt and shame even today for that and have to really fight to NOT blame myself for what happened so this scripture is Isaiah61:7-8

“For your former shame, for the shame of your youth I will give you a double reward, I will compensate you.  For I, the Lord, love justice and I hate robbery and I hate wrong doing.”

Let Jesus heal your hurt.  He isn’t happy when others hurt you and he wants to make it up to you but he can’t unless you let him.  =)

Love,

Bethany M S

“…You’ve been hiding in the bedroom hoping this isn’t the way the story has to go, it’s not the way it goes, it’s your book, you are GOLDEN you are GOLDEN child…don’t let go, don’t let go tonight.”

Hey!  Sorry it’s been a while but I’m here now so relax =) lol.

Things are actually going much better for me recently.  I am not restricting, cutting, burning, suicidal, or really depressed or anxious and that is only by the grace of God.

God really got a hold of me not too long ago and since then things have changed.  I don’t know why or how but God has changed my outlook and my mood and the way I cope, and just my walk with him all over.  You may not believe in God but I KNOW he is real and Jesus is real and alive and well and he knows, he sees, and he cares!  I may get some nasty comments for this post well BRING ‘EM ON.  You can NOT change me or my faith and you certainly will NEVER change God with your unbelief.  If you don’t believe in God then fine.  I’m not going to try to shove what I believe down your throat because I would not want that done to me.  And no one FORCES you to read this SO therefor you read this of your own free will so if you do not like it don’t read it.  I’m alright with that =) And THAT is my disclaimer now on to the important stuff.

I have learned something pretty amazing recently and that is:  Your attitude while you are in the wilderness determines how long you will stay there.  So the choice is yours if you want to take 40 years to make an 11 day journey.  The Israelites were making an 11 day trip to the Promise Land from Egypt but because of their attitude they wandered in the wilderness for 40 years.  Every time things got hard on their journey they blamed Moses and Joshua, they blamed God, and they wanted to go back to Egypt where they were miserable and in slavery.  A lot of those I follow on here have been in slavery to an eating disorder or cutting or drugs or all of the above.  I don’t know about you all but I was brought out of ED and cutting many times.  I went to treatment, I got healthy, I was released, I did well for awhile then just as the Israelites when things got hard on my Journey to the land God promised me I blamed God and decided I’d be better off to return to misery and slavery.  So far I’ve spent almost 12 years making a Journey that was suppose to take only 11 days.  So it comes down to this I can complain and remain or choose to praise and be raised.  Complain about my weight, complain about how I look, complain about everything that’s gone wrong, everything that is hard, complain that I hate myself, complain that no one understands, complain that I’m terrible and God made a mistake with me, complain that my life sucks, complain that no one cares, complain that I don’t understand the point of all this, complain that people are stupid, mean, annoying, uncaring, ETC, complain about God, complain that it’s too hard to not cut/burn, complain about how I think I’d be better off dead, complain about my family, complain about church….ALL these things I go on and on about ALL the time and sit and feel sorry for myself.  Some one told me back in December “You think self-pity moves God to help you?  It doesn’t move him in the least!  What moves God is those who press on, obey him despite circumstances, praise him and thank him when they don’t feel like it, those who take time to talk with him and read his word, and serve and help other people.  You have a choice Bethany you can continue in your misery and slowly killing yourself and being in and out of treatment and hospitals and being medicated all your life OR you can give it to God and praise him and love him just for who he is and not what he can do for you.  You can tell God even if you never do another thing for me I am going to follow you!”

Seems harsh huh?  I thought so at first too then I realized that person was telling me the truth that no one else was telling me or they would sugar coat it. 

Be a do-er not a me too-er!  <——- I tell myself that every day now.  I do what God wants me to do and what I know I need to do to help myself and everything I can’t control I trust God will take care of when the time is right.

“We are assured and know that ALL things work together for the good to and for those who love God and are called according to his design and purpose.” -Romans8:28

Anyways THAT is what has changed my life and made me so much better!  I am not saying I have everything figured out or I still don’t struggle or get upset but I am saying that I am on my way to the promise land and a different attitude and life.  God is the answer to my problems with out him I have no hope.  Jesus died for you to have a life so great you can’t even begin to imagine it.  Satan can’t have your joy, your peace, your future, your hope, your dreams if you won’t give it to him!

“Jesus said: Satan comes only to kill, steal, and destroy but I have come so that you may have and enjoy life and have it in abundance.”  ——John10:10

God Bless,

Bethany M S

“…Can’t believe what you did, what you said! Tell me you love me just to take it back again OH I know you wish that you meant it…”

Don’t have time for a long update but heres the key bullet points:

• Freaked out bawling my eyes out and screaming at a Church Women’s group and told off the pastors wife
• Michelle was GREAT, she hugged me and prayed for me and talked to me like usual.  God, I love her so much!  I want her to adopt me even though I’m 21.
• Sunday at Church I cried some more and again Michelle hugged me and prayed for me and I can’t get enough of her.
• Was angry at Dad for never calling me and then not calling me back when I call him but he finally called at 10 Saturday night.
• Feel like I don’t even have a family anymore
• Have a Family session with Dad tomorrow at 12:30 (pray that I survive)
• Still angry at God and my family and churches and self
• Still feel totally alone and unloved and depressed and empty and worthless and hopeless
• Mom cried and tried to tell me not to get hannah anything for Christmas cuz she doesn’t like me and I said I’m gettin her somethin anyways….shes my sister.
• Dad is gonna take me shoppin tomorrow after our session…he doesn’t know it yet.
• I want to cut and burn!
• I want to die!

“…Give me Therapy I’m a walking travesty but I’m smiling at everything, Therapy you were never a friend to me and you can choke on your misery.”

Me again!  Your friendly neighborhood babbler =)

Last Thursday in my session with Mel I got pissed at her and told her she sucked at helping me.  I called and apologized Friday though.  I wasn’t really mad at her anyways.  I’m just super angry at everyone and everything lately and especially myself.  And I’m so fed up with crying ALL the time.  I bawled my eyes out on church Sunday and I’m pretty pissed at that church AND Souls Harbor and especially God! 

So my new EBT card is suppose to come in Friday or Monday but then I still have to wait till the 8th of Jan. to get money on it so that means I have NO money for food.  I’m out of food at home cept one frozen piece of chicken and some canned corn =(

I don’t want to go to a food pantry cuz I’ve been to those before and they give nasty ass food that I won’t eat anyways.  Yes, I know beggers can’t be choosers but this begger doesn’t even beg.  No one has any idea about my lack lack of food.  Usually I wouldn’t have a problem with just not eating but right now I am trying to recover so if I lose weight everyone will think I’ve done it on purpose which is actually not the case.  And I am afraid if I get in the habit of eating less than I’ve been eating then it will be too hard to come back from that and I’ll end one of two places: The hospital or residential treatment and I don’t want to be at either of those places!

I have a cold now.  I can’t breath through my nose and my throat hurts like hell and it makes it worse when I smoke but I want to smoke.  Smoking takes priority over not being in pain I guess…

I’m divulging a secret to Candy today and Mel this thursday.  I feel a lot of shame and disgust with myself over this secret and that is why I need to tell some one about it or else the shame and guilt are literally going to kill me.  Secrets keep you sick, as Dr. Kim so infamously stated.

Uhg I’ve been feeling so incredibly lonely and unloved lately and just empty where this big hole is where love is spose to be.  Sounds lame but its true.  I want somebody to come and hold me and never let go.  I’m afraid though if someone were to hold me I’d start to cry and never be able to stop.  I HATE TO CRY!!!!!!

I’ve been wanting to cut or burn myself lately and been contemplating suicide a lot again.

Anywho sorry this entry was incredibly negative and sorry most my entrys are that way =(

I only got 4  minutes left on here so I gotta go.  Write again next week.

—-Bethany M S